The mind’s willing descent into madness

I have found myself coming apart in a way I don’t understand this past week. I have had trouble functioning outside of taking care of my kids.

When I am away from my kids, my mind immediately starts its descent into madness.

My mind is drawn to an alternative universe that only lives in my head, but was built there during my childhood.

It is an evil world. It feels awful to go there, but I find my parts are drawn to it like a magnet. I think maybe because this awful place feels so familiar to them they want to be there?

This world is dangerous for me as it stops my rational thinking for myself. I start listening to the programmed messages that reside there telling me to kill myself. I can’t find my normal reasons for not even considering that option as I am hijacked into a world that shakes my brain dizzy until it can’t string together two sentences or thoughts that make sense.

I approached a dangerous memory last week. One in which I am certain outside people went to great lengths for me to not remember. I stumbled into it somehow, or someone inside decided to give me another piece of the puzzle.

The facts of this puzzle don’t make sense in a real world, but I didn’t grow up in a real or normal world.

Facts didn’t matter, as our reality was easily challenged by the adults in our lives. Our brains grew to accept this world and dismiss our own versions of reality.

My brain feels broken and battered this week. I always wonder if I will make it out of these situations as each time the beatings on my brain gets worse.

My brain is driven to go on a fact-finding mission in the depths of hell that exist in my brain.

My therapist tried to keep me from doing this, but we can’t keep going without understanding our abuse better.

She is right, it is too fast, too soon. We should be pacing looking at our trauma better, but we just can’t let go.

The magnet pulls us in and we get stuck viewing and feeling the horror of it all.

This is our life, and sometimes I really hate it.

Better off Dead?


I have been MIA lately because my mind has been on fire with flooded emotions and fierce suicidal planning.

I have learned this was a result of my protector parts actions to save me from myself since I had the medical procedure 2 weeks ago that was scary, dangerous, and reminiscent of past bad memories.

Protector parts are designed to protect the host or system when we were children. They do a very good job at helping us survive overwhelming trauma. As an adult, it often doesn’t work out so well despite their good intentions.

I have been beating myself up for doing the medical procedure to begin with, but I have learned that the decision to do it, and the aftermath meltdown of my system was in large part my protectors trying to tell me I make terrible decisions. 

I have been experiencing the usual onslaught of emotions and messages, but much more intensely : “I am stupid. I can’t be trusted with the system. I don’t matter. The system would be better off if I was dead.”

These have been unusually strong messages. I really thought I was going to kill myself, and I couldn’t function I was so highly dissociative. I think because so many parts were triggered by so many different aspects of the medical procedure. 

It is true, I should not have done the procedure with the red flags I had, but the only message I could really focus on was that “I had to obey” the doctor who said “I had to do it.” That outweighed every reasonable message that told me to not do it. I am programmed to obey, especially doctors.

Interestingly for me, I realize now that my protector parts were giving me both messages: “you must obey,” and afterwards “you make terrible decisions.” I thought both those messages were my own, which made me feel terrible about myself and life in general. But, it turns out, the protectors can blend with me enough to confuse me so I think they are my own thoughts.

My therapist reminded me protector parts still think like children or adolescents, and that I am truly the most equipped to make adult decisions. Deep breath with the thought of that since it is opposite of everything I have known my entire life.

I have always believed I am weak, not to be trusted, and lucky to be alive as a result of the others. I was told I was too incompetent to do life, and I heard it enough times I believed it.

Even though it has been a horrific couple of weeks, I am glad this has happened because now I can work on forming a different relationship with my protectors, and possibly start believing in myself little by little.