Back into a corner again

Suicide is an unfortunate part of having DID. For me, the feelings, thoughts, and plans come on a regular basis.

Yesterday I had a new memory that I cannot deny or talk myself into believing it isn’t real. There is no other way to have this memory except to have experienced it. It is not anything one’s mind could make up, or that you would see on tv.

I am having an unbelievably hard time accepting my role in this memory. It is not okay, no matter how much you try to manipulate your mind with some bull shit explanation. It just isn’t acceptable.

I believe I should not be allowed to live on this planet with this experience. 

I think what would my children think if they knew this about me. It is not something they could ever know. No one could ever know. It is something unbelievable, so maybe people would just think I am crazy instead. Still, I would never want my children to contemplate this. They wouldn’t understand. Rightfully so.

If I can’t understand it, why would they?

I am backed in a corner once again.

Exit

Serial killers aren’t born that way, they experience a lifetime of shit that turns them into those people. Yet, most of society blames them and believes they should be extinguished from the planet.

Everyone experiences their own lifetime of stuff that turns them into who they are. There is no questioning our experiences shape who we become.

This makes us different from one another. The woman who was abused as a child may find that if she found out her husband had been abusing her little girl, she might want him dead, and may indeed chop him up into pieces and put him in her basement freezer. Or maybe her experiences didn’t turn her so dark, so she just throws him out and calls the police. 

The point is, we all become a product of our environment, and some of our DNA. I lean more toward the environment as the greater influencer.

So, if you are subjected to horrific abuse and mind control, should you really stay on this planet as this potentially dangerous person you became?

If you did it once or twice or more as a child,  who is to say you won’t do it as an adult? No one, if they are truly honest. Of course,  we all know we don’t operate on honesty as a society. 

The ones we pay to say the nice things to us, the therapists, they are full of shit. If they continue to say nice things, we keep paying them. It’s a living.

We are who we are, and some of us would be doing the world a favor by exiting.