I went back to therapy 4 years ago to deal with some new trauma, and some old trauma that was awakened by the new trauma.
I stayed in therapy because I had developed a lot of clarity about how inauthentic my life had become.
Honestly, I have never had an authentic life, as my family of origin and the community I grew up in robbed me of my life since as far back as I can remember.
My cup is currently overflowing with the amount of child abuse I experienced growing up. That may not make sense. Normally, my mind can only hold little pieces, but right now, it is in the unusual place of holding a lot of the abuse in awareness instead of dissociating it all.
It seems like the memories are never-ending, and they are not like memories I can deny or question the validity. They are memories I know to be true, but had somehow managed through my dissociation to forget.
Other people I know with dissociative identity disorder (DID), seem to be surprised by their memories when they get them. For me, that is typically not the case. For me, it is like remembering a horrible old friend you tried to never think of again.
I dunno, maybe I am just worn down with the shitty cards I have been dealt. The never-ending shame and depression I feel about the facts of my life. It has taken its toll.
I have lost all hope of living an authentic life. I have been staying alive these past 4 years for my children. I haven’t wanted to hurt them or ruin their lives by me ending mine.
Always the martyr.
I am suffering. I suffer every day trying to hold onto my life for my children. Jeez, I sound like a cry baby. But it is so fucking hard to hold on all the time.
I just want some peace, love, and understanding based on who I really am, not the imaginary many versions of myself that the world knows.
Almost no one knows me. Not even my kids, which especially breaks my heart. I never set out to be a fake parent. It is just what is best for them. 🙁
I don’t hurt people or do any awful things to deserve the horrible treatment I receive when others find out any of my truth, but I am rejected and tossed into the garbage or worse, just for being my authentic self. That is how we treat victims in our world.
Who is my authentic self?
I am a wounded survivor of horrific child abuse who developed dissociative identity disorder as a result.
That in itself is apparently enough to know about me to warrant the rejection of me.
My ex-minister and supposed friends tried to take my children from me when they discovered diagnosis alone. I hadn’t done anything. My kids don’t know I have it. In fact, out of both their parents, I am confident they would identify me as the saner one.
It doesn’t matter. People can’t tolerate the idea that my mind is what it is. They can’t tolerate believing I endured the level of abuse I have experienced.
So, they get fake me. The me that is probably copied from characters off television shows and people I have observed. And fake me, I really hate.
I don’t really know any other me than fake me, so that leaves me with hating the only me I know.
I hate me.
The world is an awful place, where perpetrators are protected, and victims are the bad guys.
I know I am a victim. I did not deserve the cruelty, extreme abuse, and lack of love I received.
It doesn’t matter, though.
My life is a shit show and I work hard to hide authentic me from everyone but my therapist.
This is no way to live. It doesn’t get better, but the cruelty remains because I am not allowed to leave. If I leave this shitty world, then I abandon my kids and hurt them in ways I don’t even understand, but know to be true.
My abusers. My family of origin. All the fuckers from my community. You have successfully robbed me of my life. I hate you all, and hope you burn in hell.
I will do my best to push through another day. It is getting harder. I won’t make any promises, but I will try with all my might to hold on another day for my kids.
Cruelty. My whole life. Nothing but cruelty.
That’s just the way it goes.