I stole her life. She was young and badly hurt and didn’t care about what happened to her body, so I took it because I needed one.
I was a soul in need of a body. She was a body with a soul that had died.
Body theft. Besides sounding futuristic, it sounds like a shitty thing to do to someone.
But she didn’t want to live. She wasn’t using it. It would have gone unused and possibly destroyed if I had left her with it.
She didn’t care at all.
Still, I guess I shouldn’t have taken it. I have had it for so long I forget it was originally hers.
She’s coming back for it. I don’t think she knows I have it, but she will figure it out when she gets a little closer.
She’s been lost for a very, very long time. It is not that any part of me intentionally kept her lost. She just had no reason to find the body. When she was last in control of the body, she was a ghost. Or the walking dead. No one was home.
Most people think of me as a decent person. I would take a bullet for most people on earth.
But my therapist has learned a new side to me. She has learned I am not such a good person after all.
I abandoned a little girl who had no life in front of her because of the mental damage done to her from years of unthinkable child abuse.
My therapist thinks I should have saved her. She thinks people don’t get ruined beyond repair. I know this little girl, and there is no repairing the damage done to her mind, body, and soul.
She wanders the planet lost and broken. She does not seek to understand. She is way beyond that. At some point, it just doesn’t matter.
She reached a point of no return, which happens to those who suffer ungodly acts like she did.
She does not understand the complexity of the system of people living in her body. Not sure she will care as I think she doesn’t care about anything.
Yet, my therapist thinks I should embrace her and care for her. It sounds so lovely, doesn’t it? Except for the fact that it will kill me and every part living in this body.
We survived horror, and have only lived this long because that little girl stayed lost in our internal la-la land.
If she makes her way to us, and she is getting closer, I have no doubt we will all die.
She had the unfortunate burden of taking the brunt of the everyday trauma we experienced. She died so we could live. Yet, somehow, her pulse still beats, though her mind runs close to flatline.
I have seen her and felt her from time-to-time over the years. I have always known she was still lost and damaged and hidden within.
I felt her close by today. I could see her. If she truly comes to me, and it is entirely up to her, her pain will overwhelm and kill me.
So, for a change, I am not the strong one. I am afraid. I am afraid she will become me, and I have already seen what it has done to her. I am no stronger than her.
Complex trauma, the gift that keeps on giving.