I feel the tears nearby, but as a system of parts we all struggle to let go of them.
We have been working hard this week on a very difficult memory that we still don’t completely have. Interestingly, each day we work on this in therapy different parts show up and express very different experiences of the same memory.
Some parts remember this memory as if they were watching it from across the room of my childhood bedroom. Some parts are actively stuck in this memory as if it is still happening today. Others will say they weren’t there at all, but they know about it, and try to keep a safe distance from the entire subject.
There is incredible shame about this memory. It is so horrific in our minds we can’t even bring ourselves to share it with our therapist.
It is our biggest secret. One we all think about every single day, as the trauma is still fresh in our brains as it stays stuck, and because it was such a defining moment in our lives.
This is the day that obliterated the self of this body. There is no coming back from this horror, though our therapist would disagree being the optimist she is.
I experienced so many other traumas in my childhood, but I wouldn’t say they obliterated me. This one did.
How can I let go of something that has such a hold on me?
I am my own prisoner. Refusing to allow myself to let go of it for various reasons.
The stuckness of this memory in my brain is my own personal torture. Crazy to grow up being tortured by others, and then continuing to torture myself as an adult.
I am really trying so hard to process this memory with my therapist. I don’t mean to put up resistance, but I do.
She wanted to do EMDR this week with different parts and their experience with this memory. Everyone says “no” out of some extreme fear for unclear reasons.
Each session, a little bit of processing trickles out. So much of the time stuck in my head in “trauma time,” it is a wonder my therapist doesn’t fall asleep during my silence.
My therapist asks me questions about what is going on in my head, and she wants me to be present to answer those questions. But, I am not sure how to get her the answers unless I leave and go to the trauma to find out what I am feeling or thinking.
I think there is an addiction for me to feel the pain and sadness from the trauma as if it were happening now. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something that really pulls me in to staying with it.
Tomorrow is a new day, and maybe this day will be the day the levee breaks.