For the past week, I have been struggling deeply with my Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
I have been rage-fully suicidal, and even a few moments of being homicidal. I don’t understand why I am having all these feelings and thoughts.
I don’t even understand why I have been making violent suicide plans that involve punishing someone who hurt me badly.
This is not uncommon for me, to not really understand what is happening within myself, but the degree of anger and extreme suicidality is unusual.
My brain goes from crazy, enraged to numb and dumb. It makes me feel less than human like this.
I have only one person who I can truly discuss all this with, my therapist. Yet, for reasons unknown to me, I decided to fire her this past week.
I went to session and asked her a question about how she knew a fact about my ex-therapist’s office building she mentioned in our last session, and I lost my mind with her attempt at an answer and I filled with mistrust and feeling betrayed, whether justified or not.
I switched through a Rolodex of parts who were losing their minds inside and outside my head. Suddenly, my whole system of parts seemed like they no longer trusted the therapist. This was unexpected for me, the one who tries to manage all of this.
In fact, I quickly found myself banished to a back seat in my own head. Instead, parts who are suicidal and want to punish the ex-therapist announced a violent plan to kill ourselves that they are convinced would wreck her life the way she did ours.
This feels satisfactory to them, but I try to remind them what it would do to my kids, and her kid. My system never wants to hurt kids.
I get it, she is such a fucking narcissist who has shown me no remorse for what she did to me or us. I get this rage. It is so similar to my own mother.
But, I don’t want to end my life to destroy hers. I don’t even want to destroy her perfect little life, but I do wish she would talk to me and tell me how sorry she is for what she did to me. We all know a narcissist isn’t going to do that.
I have been hiding my craziness from my spouse, children, and best friend. People would freak out if they knew what was going through my head.
Everyone wants to put me in a psych ward, and frankly, I am not interested in getting drugged and stuck in one of those places. I would rather risk it on the outside.
I have no one to talk to about this except a small group of people I know through the internet. Even some of them talked about me going into the hospital ☹️.
It’s lonely, trying to hide this madness, trying to keep myself safe, trying to contain the chaotic insanity going on inside when talking to my spouse or children.
Sleep is a good hiding tool, but too much and the spouse figures out something is wrong again.
I have found that really those who go through this similar experience of DID are the only ones who can really understand it. And even so, sometimes it is impossible to get adequate words out to describe what is happening inside.
I want help when I am at this dangerous level of distress, but I haven’t found anything helpful. Hospitals don’t help. They often times do more harm.
I wish my therapist could help me in this situation, but she is merely another human with her own life and trying to help people the best she can.
So, the answer continues to be loneliness, though I am truly thankful for my cyber friends.