I have found myself coming apart in a way I don’t understand this past week. I have had trouble functioning outside of taking care of my kids.
When I am away from my kids, my mind immediately starts its descent into madness.
My mind is drawn to an alternative universe that only lives in my head, but was built there during my childhood.
It is an evil world. It feels awful to go there, but I find my parts are drawn to it like a magnet. I think maybe because this awful place feels so familiar to them they want to be there?
This world is dangerous for me as it stops my rational thinking for myself. I start listening to the programmed messages that reside there telling me to kill myself. I can’t find my normal reasons for not even considering that option as I am hijacked into a world that shakes my brain dizzy until it can’t string together two sentences or thoughts that make sense.
I approached a dangerous memory last week. One in which I am certain outside people went to great lengths for me to not remember. I stumbled into it somehow, or someone inside decided to give me another piece of the puzzle.
The facts of this puzzle don’t make sense in a real world, but I didn’t grow up in a real or normal world.
Facts didn’t matter, as our reality was easily challenged by the adults in our lives. Our brains grew to accept this world and dismiss our own versions of reality.
My brain feels broken and battered this week. I always wonder if I will make it out of these situations as each time the beatings on my brain gets worse.
My brain is driven to go on a fact-finding mission in the depths of hell that exist in my brain.
My therapist tried to keep me from doing this, but we can’t keep going without understanding our abuse better.
She is right, it is too fast, too soon. We should be pacing looking at our trauma better, but we just can’t let go.
The magnet pulls us in and we get stuck viewing and feeling the horror of it all.
This is our life, and sometimes I really hate it.