Frustrating. The best word to use when it comes to the roller coaster of feelings and competencies when it comes to having Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID).
I just spent a week of feeling really stable and present in my life. This is a big deal for someone with DID because this is not the norm. I have learned a lot of skills recently that have enabled me to feel more present and grounded in my body and in my life.
Usually, I feel like I have one foot in this world, and the other in a world of pain and suffering that comes from my severe childhood abuse history.
When I operate in my norm of being in both worlds at the same time, I am not connected to my present day life in any significant way. I may be present enough to speak to people in present day, but I am not present enough to enjoy and experience present day life.
This disconnection from present day enables the suicidal and isolation thoughts and feelings to take over out of nowhere.
Yesterday, I woke up feeling good, and even acknowledged to myself how awesome it was that I haven’t been experiencing any suicidal thoughts and have been really present and active in my children’s lives. Life was good.
That is, until I went to therapy. In therapy, I have the opportunity to be my true authentic self. Authentic for me is to acknowledge that I have a lot of parts inside me who experience the world differently, and carry lots of emotions that I don’t experience. It makes for a complex way of living.
Within 5 minutes of being in the therapy room, I could feel my healthy, happy self crumbling and slipping away. My underlying feelings from myself and the many parts I share this body with were bubbling up.
Sometimes these crappy feelings pass once I leave therapy, but not this time. This time they hung around all day.
The problem with these feelings is it gets confusing as to whether I am thinking something or whether it is another part of me. You may think “what difference does it make, the thoughts are all coming from the same body.”
Unfortunately, it makes a big difference because my other parts often come up with ideas like rational reasons for why we should commit suicide. Sometimes I am literally listening to these thoughts and think they are mine, and start planning suicide. Fortunately, I usually catch myself before anything serious happens. But it is also terribly scary when I realize I can be confused enough to not be able to separate out my thoughts and those of troubled parts of me.
When I was in my 20s, I was having a rather ordinary day from an emotional standpoint—not upset about anything. I can remember this day as if it was yesterday because it was one of the first times I can remember watching myself when someone else was in control of our shared body. This other part quietly drove us to our home, and proceeded to take a significant overdose of pills, and there was nothing I could do to stop it. After some time passed the pills were working and I was able to call someone for help.
I almost died. I didn’t have any intention in doing that, but it happened. To this day, I still don’t even know why it happened. But, it got my attention as to what could happen if I wasn’t paying close attention to my experience in this body. More hyper vigilance.
We have not attempted suicide since that time, but my “others” inside have become more creative in trying to achieve the goal of suicide. Their technique today is to make it confusing as to whether it is my thoughts or theirs.
It is as if someone has put in a floppy disc to run someone else’s programmed thoughts in my brain. I don’t know if you can imagine how scary that might feel.
So, the roller coaster of being DID and its challenges are the theme of this week. Looking forward to an easier time.
Love to you all.