Mind Control and Me

I don't know exactly how this happened to me, but somehow I have a program, like a computer program that runs in my brain. It makes it so I don't always have free will, and I am terrified of this program.

I realize this is what psychotic people say, but I will say it nonetheless, and if you need to believe I am psychotic, it is certainly your prerogative.

Every day for as long as I can remember, I fear people who might do something to alter my brain. This comes out in situations where someone wants me to put on headphones, has medical instruments on their desk, does guided meditation, says certain statements, or wants me to do therapies like neurofeedback, brain spotting, or EMDR.

It is terribly distressing for me, and no matter how much I try to convince myself that there is nothing to fear, I get filled with overwhelming fear.

I don't know exactly how, but I know my brain was programmed when I was a child. I suppose everyone's is to a certain extent. For me, though, I think mine is a little more like the Manchurian Candidate if you have seen that movie.

My brain works kind of like this: it can be free-flowing along like a normal brain and then someone says or does X. My brain stops the free-flow and a program becomes activated in my brain. These programs are never any good, especially for me. My brain's program is activated as if it something that I must do, and it was not my idea, nor do I have free will to decide to do it or not.

Today, I was working with a therapist, and she was talking about guided imagery as a skill to relax or be mindful. I don't understand much about the programming in my head, but I do know guided imagery is the quickest way someone can access my programs, and so I avoid it at all costs.

Unfortunately, with the therapist from earlier today, we had different ideas of guided imagery, and so she started into something that in my mind was guided imagery, which puts me into an instant trance or hypnotic state, and my brain went crazy from there.

I am fairly sure she was rambling about some safe bubble around me, but my brain deciphered that into meaning I was supposed to cut my wrists. And down the spiral with that command did I go.

And though I have not carried out that command from my program, not doing so has made me incredibly mentally sick.

I am preoccupied with cutting my wrists and imagine what that would look like here. My brain is filled with psychotic feeling thoughts, and I imagine myself as a very young child sucking my thumb as bad stuff is happening around me or to me.

People want me to be optimistic about stopping the programs that are in my head, but the truth is most people don't understand what I am talking about, and there are only a handful of people in the world who help unprogram a programmed person.

So my optimism is low. And the world is a terrifying place at the moment.

Sigh.

7 thoughts on “Mind Control and Me

  1. Your right I cannot imagine what you are going through and I am so mad that your abusers were capable of training your brain to do harmful things but I personally get it. I think my did includes a form of mind control too. And it is scary because sometimes I am acting out a script embedded into me without my conscious mind knowing it till after the fact. I wish I could help you heal but the only thing I believe works is relationships with rupture and repair themes. Hence as your friend I am offering you the corrective experience of having a friend who does not in ⎌anyway want to control you. There is an Irish proverb that says something like “don’t walk in front of me for I may not follow, don’t walk behind me for I may not lead, rather walk beside me and be my friend.” Hence I offer my unconditional support and love as your friend and want you to know that as someone beside you if you need someone to lean on and I can do that for you.

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  2. i have similar things like that, but i don’t know all the situations it is related to. but for me, it’s like the world/people become unsafe, and in my head, it’s this horrible dissociation related to it. things mean things they don’t actually mean, and i don’t know how my head gets things twisted how it does with certain things. for example, someone can say something with good intentions, but part of me will interpret it to mean something unsafe which can trigger that same kind of ‘must harm self or die’ response. it is terrifying.

    i was not involved in any kind of cult or mind control type thing like that growing up, i guess it is just how things developed in my head.

    i tried guided imagery/meditation a year or so ago, and it was meant to be safe and helpful but instead caused intense fear for days and brought up other parts i wasn’t aware of. it was not something i understood. i guess it was a fear of the therapist implanting things or getting too far in my head…but the weird thing was i didn’t really feel much from it when it was being done and was skeptical there would be any response at all.

    it is so difficult never being able to gauge things because you don’t know what you are looking for to avoid.

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  3. I have read about this. I think it was in the book “beyond integration” about Dissociative Identity Disorder. When there’s severe abuse like you’ve endured its not unthinkable that mind control like your describing was used. They do that so secrets will never be told. Do you feel comfortable telling your therapist about it? I would think she would want to know so that she wouldnt say something that would send you spiraling down.

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    1. My regular therapist does know about the mind control and she gets it. I didn’t explain that I am doing an intensive treatment program right now where I am working with many therapists at the moment, and part of what I am having to do is educate some of them about DID, ritual abuse, and mind control. Fortunately, they are very receptive to it. Some try, but just don’t get it. I imagine this goes back to people not wanting to believe the world can be as shitty as it sometimes is. People want to believe my story, and struggle with it at the same time. I am humoring myself as of late to hear how many different words are used to describe the complexity and overwhelming amount of abuse I experienced. Got to find the laughs somewhere.
      Thanks for asking, and helping me to realize I left out an important piece of the story.

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  4. the world is a fucking shitty place isn’t it? I am so sorry your having to educate once again these professionals who should get it. I relate so much to what you’ve said here. I am a SRA survivor with did, as you know. I have a lot of the same similarities as you with the programming. I try to believe it will one day end, but hope is hard to cling to sometimes. xoxox

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    1. Yes, the world can be a shitty place, but I hold out hope today that I can heal and choose to live in a better place. I hold out hope for you too, as you know I had little hope just a short while ago. Thinking of you and today feeling we can both heal if we choose to.

      Liked by 1 person

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