Suicide Cloud

When I look to the sky it can seem sunny and blue, and then without me noticing the change, the next time I look up the sky is gray and cloudy. I wonder to myself how long it has been that way and I just didn't notice the change. I am present, and then gone, and then eventually back again and the sky is not the same.

Today, I moved from one Airbnb to another in sunny California. The new home is much nicer. There is more light coming into the unit, it is in a great walkable neighborhood only 10 minutes from the beach, and it actually has a view.

When I arrived here, I felt as though I could breathe better than the last place, as the first place was like living in a box and had one view of a literal concrete wall, and another view of an overcrowded apartment complex. I felt anxious outside that apartment, so the safety of this place in this location has reduced my anxiety some, which is always a plus.

But, just as I wasn't watching the blue sky turn to gray because I was somewhere else in my head, I didn't understand the drastic change in my mood.

I went from happy to suicidal without really knowing why or how it happened. I panicked and started looking for therapists online who meet with people on Saturdays (apparently, that's a common thing here in California). I didn't end up connecting with one, so just did my best to pass the time to put this day behind me.

But for the brief moments when the distraction didn't work, I could imagine myself hanging dead in this new beatific apartment. Or, I would look at all the pills I have with me and realize I have enough to kill myself.

This is my life with Dissociative Identity Disorder.

I have no one to turn to. I know better than to call the treatment center I am currently enrolled in Monday-Friday. Even though they have someone on call for after hours, I couldn't bother them or put myself in the position of being too suicidal or just too much for this treatment program also.

Just tough it out my insiders say. Do what you are good at. We don't need anyone. People suck and they just hurt us over and over.

These changes in mood, especially the severity of the changes when I have no idea what is happening is so maddening. Maybe if I stayed more present more of the time this wouldn't happen, or at least I would understand why.

Who am I kidding. Staying present sucks most of the time. I have been missing in action my whole life, so why would I want to change it now.

My life is mostly total shit. Why would anyone want to show up and be present for that?

I realize this attitude doesn't help my recovery journey, but it is authentic for where I am in my life today.

2 thoughts on “Suicide Cloud

  1. i get it its ok to feel that way i do too a lot. suicidal thoughts plague me and my insiders. can we email one another? would love to be friends and connect that way. if you want? ❤ xxx

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  2. sorry you are struggling too. we are feeling like we should just be quiet because no matter what we say, it seems wrong either inside or outside…and we keep breaking rules somewhere. but it’s hard when you don’t know what is right to do or say and what isn’t because you don’t know how to gauge things when things are so confusing. but only we can look to ourselves for direction….and it doesn’t always work well.

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