Each day I deal with a force field of varying strengths that decides whether I get out of bed or not. Today it was particularly strong and it barely allowed me to get out to go to the bathroom.
It seems strange to me that my pack of insiders who control the strength of the force field on any given day pick the bed as our safe place. Growing up, my bed was often a place where sexual abuse occurred, so it wasn't very safe.
I have been trying to reason and make sense of this force field for 17 months to no avail.
When I explain it to others I think it must feel like what people experience when they become paralyzed. Their brain can try all it wants to tell the body to move, but nothing happens. I don't understand this disconnect in me.
The inside people responsible for not allowing the body to get out of bed do not let their issues be known so I can try to help, or get them help with it. So, I remain a prisoner.
Those of you who don't understand Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID) probably think I am not making a whole lot of sense, or just playing out some kind of depressive psychotic game.
The truth is that I live in a body that I don't always get to control, even when I am conscious and present in it. I have others in my body who also get a say in what happens with the body.
Meanwhile, my life is passing me by. My children are growing up without me, my life is not being lived, and my health is deteriorating. This is not what I want, and I have no idea how to change it.
I sound like a victim because I feel like a victim. Yes, we are all quite capable of victimizing ourselves. Abusers do a good job at leaving that skill behind along with the other damage to us.
I am trying everything I can think of to make this change. New therapies, new pills, new environment.
If I fail, there is a good chance I will lose my family and my health. I really want to succeed.
What it will take, I don't know.
Stay tuned to see the end of this story.