I have come to realize this past year that even though I was for an extended time extremely high functioning and stable, that I am actually among the most severely injured from a childhood filled with abuse and other horrific things.
It is not cool to be in this club of the severely injured because with these injuries comes damage, lots of it. And I have found that the mental health system doesn't like messy, severely damaged people.
I am complicated. The affects of my abuse have left behind a complicated and difficult set of symptoms. As a result, my soul has been repeatedly ripped out this year by people rejecting me or my symptoms or my diagnosis of Dissociative Identity Disorder.
It seems no one who knows how to treat this disorder and my symptoms in a way that would be effective wants to help me.
Rejection. Rejection. Rejection.
Laughingly, I am not supposed to take it personally, or believe there is anything inherently wrong with me.
I am wished good luck in my future treatment and sent on my way knowing there is no future treatment to be had. I fear I have looked under every stone and have run out of options.
But don't give up. Stay alive. It doesn't matter how miserable your life is. This I am told over and over by those who reject me.
The injuries to my soul have been brutal. Especially since it is over and over. To be rejected your whole life, even by the so-called angels who are supposed to help those of us with these injuries.
It is hard for me not to believe that God is punishing me. I haven't had this kind of knife into my soul so much until this last year. I try to find hope, but then I get the knife in my soul again.
How many knifes to your soul can happen before it is completely dead?
But I am not supposed to give up. I am to keep fighting as if that has ever really gotten me anywhere. Big deal, I'm alive.
I would be better off dead, which is a hard sentiment to swallow knowing I have children I should live for.
It is a double bind. Live in torture or harm my children by leaving them.
Oh, but I am supposed to get better by some miracle that hasn't come for 50 years now……