Faking normal today 

Today has been exhausting. I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, and had a “normal part” stay out all day so I could participate in taking my daughter to camp.

Even though every bone and cell in my body wanted to stay in bed, I knew I had to do this somehow. It was my idea that she go to this summer camp since it is something I wanted to do when I was a child and my parents just pretended like I didn’t ask.

It was a happy day for her, and I have pictures to remember it, since I will probably forget much of it. I hate that about me. Why do I have to have amnesia for the good?

Anyway, on the long drive home I could feel myself starting to come unglued again. The sadness and hopelessness was creeping back. Nothing happened, except my spouse asked me what I was going to do this week? She wanted to know if I was really quitting therapy, was I going to the mental hospital, or just stay in bed for days again.

I told her I don’t have a plan for what I am going to do. She never understands this about me. I guess regular people have plans for what they are going to do the next day or week? That wouldn’t describe me. For as long as I can remember, I don’t like to commit to anything if it involves more that 4 hours from the time you ask, and even then I don’t like to 100% commit. So annoying, I don’t know why she puts up with it.

I still don’t have any idea what happened to me last week, except maybe to say I just spun out of control.

My body is so exhausted from being up and walking around the world like a normal person today, that I must go to bed.

It is sad how bad my ability to function physically has come along equally with my inability to function mentally. New for 2017!

2 thoughts on “Faking normal today 

  1. Just happened upon this and I can relate to the spouse not understanding. Currently part of me is torn between going to the mental institution or just “saying” “im gonna go to therapy…I NEED to go to therapy..” I almost ended my life the other day (first time telling anyone outside of my small circle)…..he thinks I’ve been being selfish because I have to focus on my own stuff right now so I can be better…I don’t have a question, I just wanted to vent anonymously. Thanks.

    Like

    1. Sorry you are struggling with this. I have had a lot of ups and downs and craziness with my spouse over me not doing well. We have kids together, so that complicated it. We have a great couple’s counselor who treats DID, so that has been a big help.
      I am going to a treatment center tomorrow and my spouse is on board with this plan because the treatment center convinced her that they would be able to help me.
      I am relieved to take a break, get some help, and focus on myself. I am so tired of this faking normal or being stuck in bed.
      Feel free to chat any time as this can be the loneliest problem.
      I hope you take care of yourself.

      Like

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