Today has been exhausting. I pulled myself out of bed, took a shower, and had a “normal part” stay out all day so I could participate in taking my daughter to camp.
Even though every bone and cell in my body wanted to stay in bed, I knew I had to do this somehow. It was my idea that she go to this summer camp since it is something I wanted to do when I was a child and my parents just pretended like I didn’t ask.
It was a happy day for her, and I have pictures to remember it, since I will probably forget much of it. I hate that about me. Why do I have to have amnesia for the good?
Anyway, on the long drive home I could feel myself starting to come unglued again. The sadness and hopelessness was creeping back. Nothing happened, except my spouse asked me what I was going to do this week? She wanted to know if I was really quitting therapy, was I going to the mental hospital, or just stay in bed for days again.
I told her I don’t have a plan for what I am going to do. She never understands this about me. I guess regular people have plans for what they are going to do the next day or week? That wouldn’t describe me. For as long as I can remember, I don’t like to commit to anything if it involves more that 4 hours from the time you ask, and even then I don’t like to 100% commit. So annoying, I don’t know why she puts up with it.
I still don’t have any idea what happened to me last week, except maybe to say I just spun out of control.
My body is so exhausted from being up and walking around the world like a normal person today, that I must go to bed.
It is sad how bad my ability to function physically has come along equally with my inability to function mentally. New for 2017!