Ticking clock

Today in therapy, my therapist said I had an unusually high sense of personal responsibility throughout my system. I think that is a good thing as I think the world would probably be a better place if people were more personally responsible.

I have a feeling she would like me to be less personally responsible. I know I am hard on myself, even as a child being abused. But, if you are not hard on yourself, life seems worse to me. I mean, being hard on yourself keeps you in line, and out of trouble, at least that is the theory I developed.

The textbooks say this is just a fallacy child abuse survivors tell ourselves so we can feel some control over the world or what is happening to us.

The thing I know is this: the message that I am responsible for me and everything around me is etched in cement in my brain. I don’t know why my therapist has any belief it is going to change. Well, she is an optimist, so I suppose she can’t help it.

I have so many rules that I must live by that don’t make sense to the nonabused person. I sometimes wonder why I am even trying to change when my clock is ticking.

One thought on “Ticking clock

  1. i get really confused because i am told by my therapist that i am in control even in regard to the system as a whole to some degree..the lines with what she means tends to get blurred because she always tells me they are part of me when i talk about them but at other times talks about them as the separate parts they are…so it’s very confusing..and i get upset when i am told how in control i am when it doesn’t FEEL like it so don’t feel like that is validated. it feels like i’m not allowed to struggle or something since the feeling of lack of control goes hand in hand with struggling at times, yet i’m told i am in control…so that must mean…i’m doing better than i am even when i say i am not? i don’t know.

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