Today in therapy, my therapist said I had an unusually high sense of personal responsibility throughout my system. I think that is a good thing as I think the world would probably be a better place if people were more personally responsible.
I have a feeling she would like me to be less personally responsible. I know I am hard on myself, even as a child being abused. But, if you are not hard on yourself, life seems worse to me. I mean, being hard on yourself keeps you in line, and out of trouble, at least that is the theory I developed.
The textbooks say this is just a fallacy child abuse survivors tell ourselves so we can feel some control over the world or what is happening to us.
The thing I know is this: the message that I am responsible for me and everything around me is etched in cement in my brain. I don’t know why my therapist has any belief it is going to change. Well, she is an optimist, so I suppose she can’t help it.
I have so many rules that I must live by that don’t make sense to the nonabused person. I sometimes wonder why I am even trying to change when my clock is ticking.