My brain keeps going back to being angry with myself. My ongoing struggle is with suicide as the only way out.
I would never want to leave my kids via suicide. Today I am struggling to think they would be better off.
I am really having a hard time accepting new information about myself. There is no magic wand to fix it, you just have to accept it and try to move on with your life. Sounds easy. Hasn’t been.
Before anyone rushes to “suicide is never the answer,” please know I don’t agree with that philosophy. That is not to say I believe people should kill themselves, it just means no one knows the pain and agony another goes through without walking in their shoes, and that is not humanly possible. So, suicide might be right for some people, but probably not most people.
I don’t want to hurt my children, but I also don’t want my children to be hurt by learning something horrific I learned about myself—something no “normal person” would be able to understand. I do know there are others in my shoes who do know something about what I am saying.
I am not really saying much, just rambling. My head is confused. Sorry. To be caught off guard with such brutality hasn’t been easy.
So, I will sign off, still struggling, but still alive for better or worse.