Back into a corner again

Suicide is an unfortunate part of having DID. For me, the feelings, thoughts, and plans come on a regular basis.

Yesterday I had a new memory that I cannot deny or talk myself into believing it isn’t real. There is no other way to have this memory except to have experienced it. It is not anything one’s mind could make up, or that you would see on tv.

I am having an unbelievably hard time accepting my role in this memory. It is not okay, no matter how much you try to manipulate your mind with some bull shit explanation. It just isn’t acceptable.

I believe I should not be allowed to live on this planet with this experience. 

I think what would my children think if they knew this about me. It is not something they could ever know. No one could ever know. It is something unbelievable, so maybe people would just think I am crazy instead. Still, I would never want my children to contemplate this. They wouldn’t understand. Rightfully so.

If I can’t understand it, why would they?

I am backed in a corner once again.

One thought on “Back into a corner again

  1. sorry. there are things that i feel make me disgusting or horrible..even though i don’t have the reasons why for some of them. just knowing certain things without even knowing…somehow…or maybe it’s just the feelings. we didn’t choose to go through what we have. we are not those things. new memories are difficult and icky.

    Like

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