Better off Dead?


I have been MIA lately because my mind has been on fire with flooded emotions and fierce suicidal planning.

I have learned this was a result of my protector parts actions to save me from myself since I had the medical procedure 2 weeks ago that was scary, dangerous, and reminiscent of past bad memories.

Protector parts are designed to protect the host or system when we were children. They do a very good job at helping us survive overwhelming trauma. As an adult, it often doesn’t work out so well despite their good intentions.

I have been beating myself up for doing the medical procedure to begin with, but I have learned that the decision to do it, and the aftermath meltdown of my system was in large part my protectors trying to tell me I make terrible decisions. 

I have been experiencing the usual onslaught of emotions and messages, but much more intensely : “I am stupid. I can’t be trusted with the system. I don’t matter. The system would be better off if I was dead.”

These have been unusually strong messages. I really thought I was going to kill myself, and I couldn’t function I was so highly dissociative. I think because so many parts were triggered by so many different aspects of the medical procedure. 

It is true, I should not have done the procedure with the red flags I had, but the only message I could really focus on was that “I had to obey” the doctor who said “I had to do it.” That outweighed every reasonable message that told me to not do it. I am programmed to obey, especially doctors.

Interestingly for me, I realize now that my protector parts were giving me both messages: “you must obey,” and afterwards “you make terrible decisions.” I thought both those messages were my own, which made me feel terrible about myself and life in general. But, it turns out, the protectors can blend with me enough to confuse me so I think they are my own thoughts.

My therapist reminded me protector parts still think like children or adolescents, and that I am truly the most equipped to make adult decisions. Deep breath with the thought of that since it is opposite of everything I have known my entire life.

I have always believed I am weak, not to be trusted, and lucky to be alive as a result of the others. I was told I was too incompetent to do life, and I heard it enough times I believed it.

Even though it has been a horrific couple of weeks, I am glad this has happened because now I can work on forming a different relationship with my protectors, and possibly start believing in myself little by little.

2 thoughts on “Better off Dead?

  1. Thank you for sharing this information about protectors and the core. We r blessed you chose life because it gave us this post. Please keep writing every time you do I get one more breath of hope and for someone who feels like she is often drowning this breath saves gives me life. Please keep sharing! Your thoughts matter!!!

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